the heart of the matter

doctors

gardenaom — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 21:38:54 +0000

Thank goodness we changed doctors..but too bad we got hustled one last time by our doctor..referring me to a dermatologist and not an allergist. Idiot. Doctors. That just try and get as much money out of you as possible. Freaking annoying. Anyway, so useless trip to the dermatologist a couple weeks ago. He referred me to an actual allergist, where I went to an appointment today.
First the nurse asked a bunch of questions..and thank goodness my mom was in the room too because she caught a bunch of errors or mistakes I was telling the nurse. Seriously, night classes are messing with my daytime mind. My mind is still in tired mode even when I wake up and I can’t talk normal, or stutter or mix my words etc. For example, the doctor asked about if I’ve ever been taken to ER..anxiety attacks..etc. And as I went on with the list of times I’ve been to the ER I included the time I got an anxiety attack up in the mountains at camp, summer before senior year and had to go to the ER. I went on saying, I was having chest pains, mainly in my heart, and then a day later the pains would still come and go, and then all of a sudden my whole body went numb and I couldn’t move and I felt paralyzed. She asked how long I was there, I told her the camp was 5 weeks..I thought I said 5 days…and then my mom was like..5 weeks or days? And I was like..I said 5 days..and she’s like..you said weeks..and I was like freakkk..because I was SO SURE I said days. Recently just little stuff like this bugs me, my communication, and even my memory..I used to have VERY good memory. I feel like I still do but lately I’ve been forgetting random stuff here and there..or I can’t remember a lot of things I used to be able to remember. O_o
Anyway, after the nurse, the doctor asked a bunch of questions and then at the end discovered that my case was something he’s never heard of..he kept saying it was a very unusual case. Anyway, that wasn’t too reassuring since I was hoping to get some solid treatment or solution or tests..but he pretty much just repeatedly said how unusual this case was with whatever is going on inside my body with exercise and shrimp and stuff. So he referred me to go back to labcorp to get another blood sample to test with shrimp ish, so left the allergist and headed to labcorp and got that done.
Lady apparently thought I was a child..young child..and was asking/implying..”you like crayons, right?” and then put a crayon bandage on my needle hole. But, not gonna lie, the bandage was pretty sick. And I bet there were a bunch of other color bandages since it was crayon.

Anyway, so now I have to go back to the allergist again in a month to get the panel testing done and blahhh it’s sooo like..mehh..I just have too much other stuff going on, I don’t want to deal with having to go to doctor appointments and jazz like that. I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine as long as I don’t do whatever causes me to get the super bad reactions…right??? Merr..oh and nurse took my height and weight!
Up to date, I am 5′ 1″ did I do that right? forgot how many lines an inch gets or a foot? and I weigh 110lbs. This was a bit surprising..I told the lady I was about 118lbs because the last time I checked..or recent times I’ve always been around 118/120. I haven’t been 110 lbs since like high school! But whatevzz, alright woo, time to read and do summaries..merrr

one of thossssse. serio time.

gardenaom — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 08:12:14 +0000

Yeah, I say serio..and that totally takes out the seriousness of the post. Merr…anyway…
Week Two: count it
Over the past two weeks being back in school, I think I’ve come to realize that as normal as I think I am..I think I have some serious issues. My crazy, untamable encounters with stress on the daily basis is really taking a toll on me..physically, mentally, spiritually..ahh. worst. Especially with these night classes. I know some people tell me it’s all mental..but I can’t control it. When it gets “late” my body becomes susceptible to getting hives..that..actually is normal (for me.) I’m not quite sure what it is..it doesn’t happen ALL the time..but when I stay up too late sometimes I start to get them..but they aren’t the really bad hives that form/spread/swell when I get allergic reactions..usually I’ll just get a few that irritate me because they itch or I can feel my skin heating up..and it doesn’t really spread..anyway, unfortunately the combination of feeling stress just from BEING in class..listening to all the things I have to do..and it being late..I’ve been getting these random hives in class. I KNOW…that if I just let it be..eventually they will go away..but I always fail to resist the urge to scratch or irritate the hives more. The longer I try to restrain myself from scratching or touching, my insides feel sick and jittery and the feeling doesn’t go away until I scratch or something, to relieve the irritation..only for a moment…and I repeatedly do it..like a habit..until I’ve broken skin and then it actually stings because I leave the skin raw and open..bleep. -.-
Anyway, the other thing I find odd is that..I actually have been finding some of my classes to be VERY INTRIGUING. Like I am into the topic or what the teacher is saying.for once…but at the same time I am tired and when they start to talk about the assignments I get this overwhelming feeling of stress that just overpowers the feeling of interestingness that I was feeling during the parts of class I was able to pay attention to.
So basically, the teaching pre requisite classes are fun (most of them), BUT VERY STRESSFUL. Oh the irony. Only two weeks in and this range of emotions is tearing me up inside and out. My mind feels like it’s being worked to the max on my M-W classes, and the stress and results of stress are making me destroy my face or arms or wherever the rando hives appear. muddfasf
Enough about school.

Socially.
I would like to say I am a pretty social person. For the most part, I feel like I do well with people. I like people. I would hope people like me too. With my schedule (merr sorta going back to school ish..) I don’t really get to see my friends AS much..well, I do see some of them because of our similar schedules..but it’s usually just to go to the rec or something..the people I see I guess are not necessarily the people that would come to the top of my head if I had some things I wanted to get off my chest or just have someone to talk to. Plus, we are always in some type of group setting and as much as I want to talk to people about more serious things other than tacos or ..tacos..I just get these vibes that people don’t want to talk about serious things, about life, issues, praises, struggles, etc. And even though people say that they do,mmm yeah I guess I just haven’t experienced it many times so I’m not too expectant of it? I just get this strong vibe that they don’t..and maybe my vibe is just totally off and I’m over thinking..which is usually the case..but anyway..back to what I was saying..hm…yes, schedules. people. I am glad I can attend AACF on Wednesdays this semester but it almost feels just like a break in passing period..which it sort of is..a something for the inbetween of my classes..but again like a normal break period..I feel like..(well we’ve only had two meetings) but..I feel like this is how it’s gonna go. I’m stoked I get to go to AACF, hear a message, and then I’ll have to leave early..or right when it ends to go to class..I don’t have the time to really sit down and talk with anyone because we have a schedule and during the AACF meeting time..well…we are having a meeting? you know? a large group, which makes total sense! Most of the fellowship time or where you get to really talk to people is at dinner. And unfortunately, I can’t go to the post aacf meeting dinners this semester..which is weird..because when I COULD go over the last few semesters..I wouldn’t go sometimes..because I’d be too tired or..”not feeling it”..errr..yea…you know what they say about not taking things for granted. SUPS. in my face. I definitely regret not going out to dinners when I had the chances to..and now that I don’t have that option..I wish I could. OR..maybe I just rather go to dinner and hang than be in class. Could be a mixture of both. OR I am feeling this need to have REAL fellowship and REAL, MEANINGFUL relationships with people, and I’m not being satisfied(? is that the word..?).. with the occasional hello, or just seeing someone for a minute in passing or dropping something off, etc. You know what I mean. Anyway, as I’m writing this..hello future self. I don’t know what spurrred this word vomit, feelings on the table. I think I’ve just been wanting to talk to someone (yes God, but I mean another person, that I could get instant feedback from) but for now I will stick to talking to you! This might be that crazy case of realizing I could be losing my aacf fam in the near future..or at the end of this semester, as much as I am trying to stay involved I feel it slipping already. Which is good right, I know I need to transition out etcetc. but yeah..anyway a friend posted this as her status and I want to jot it down for future reference because I liked it:

[ Realizing how vital counsel and fellowship are to my walk with Christ]

Which leads into the third thing I want to type up a shpeeel about..because I think..I THINK..these things would be interesting to read back on…in the future…how my mind worked and thought during my college years…meh. honestly because I think I’m still pretty immature..I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others..but I’m gonna do it anyway! SERIOUSLY..when compared to people in my classes I feel like a REALLY DUMB NUT. They know all this stuff…and I am TOTALLY lost in all their scholarly conversations..arguements, spewing of facts, and bills and documents, etc. .I don’t even understand half the vocab they use! take it..some of them are SUPER old ..but even the younger lookin ones seem to know so much about …well..all the stuff we’re suppose to know/are learning…I feel like I’m the newbest of newbs in my classes! raaaaah blasted anyway.

School – Social – Spiritual.
Well I “know”, or have been brought up being taught how important counsel and fellowship (and many more things) are vital to my walk with Christ.
Lately, I wouldn’t say I am being “counseled”..and like yeah, I go to church on Sundays..but other than that..I am not sure where else I could considered being counseled. I used to meet up with RLaw for a semester or two and that was really good, but ever since then I’ve sorta just been on my own ish? I tried going to pathlights last semester, but it was sort of like aacf..like you meet once a week, get a message, discuss, chill, ya know, super cool but I think for someone like me, I need that one on one counseling. When aacf asked for people to disciple people last semester, I didn’t really volunteer right away..wasn’t sure how involved I was going to be..but when tomo said she was desperate..I agreed to disciple one of the underclassmen. I actually honestly wanted to BE discipled..and that might be all cray..like because i’m considered one of the “older” people..but reallyyyyy, I think I could really use it.
cousel.
fellowship. yea, Fellowship is vital. I think below surface level fellowship is vital. Right now I feel like the type of fellowship I’ve been experiencing is super shallow..let’s eat..let’s go to the rec…NOT ALL..just MOST of the time.
And just from that friends status, I feel like it is sort of explaining where I am at but in the opposite ..or like blah I don’t know but like..not having this feeling of being counseled or having a more consistent below surface fellowship with people…I don’t really know…it’s hard to explain actually..I KNOW the right answers..Trust God..have faith in God..etc..read the bible more..pray about it…YEAH. I KNOW.
but a lot of the times I don’t understand the things I’m reading..yes..I know the gospel, but what about the other stuff..my reading comprehension is horrible, so trying to discover the deeper meaning behind the things I’m reading is extremely difficult. and it frustrates me a lot of the time.
where does that leave me in this moment of time… word rant vomit.
work harder. try harder. yadda yaddda.
I actually have been finding a lot of encouragement through reading posts that some of the mt hermon kids have been posting.
It’s funny..a lot of people think..cabin leaders go into these camps to teach and encourage the kids because we are “more knowledgeable” etc…pfft. totes not true…like to some extent… really, i think I get more encouragement..or learn a lot more from the kids. Reading about their spiritual journey, faith walk, etc..how they deal with their stress, their issues, etc. they are raw with their feelings. they aren’t afraid to BE REAL. i definitely was not like that when I was their age. I wonder how things would be if I had been? merrp.
Anyway, it’ll be an interesting semester..at least it’s starting off kinda funky.

OHH. Okay I remember the whole reason I started thinking about this post..geeez.so distracted.
So I already committed to forming an intramural basketball team for this semester..and it’s in the making right now..but then shortly after ..Jay sent out this fb group invite to “AACF (Almost Adults yet still Childish Friends)”
Pretty much just trying to start up, basically I want to say.. some type of small group. need for community. people to “share life with” that are freshly out of college..or almost out.
Anywaaaaay..so of course I was and still am interested. It sounds like something good. I don’t know yet since we haven’t met or anything..we are actually having a dinner tomorrow…to talk about it..so I guess I’ll see from there.
But for now, it seems that the best days to meet would be Thursdays..this could..possibly conflict with IM’s if our team makes one of the slots…if the spots fill up, then I’m golden, and Thursdays will be free as ..yea. I know what’s more important. Community. obviously from skimming what I just wrote..what I FEEL..I need is legit community. fellowship. I need an outlet. a talk , outlet..not like a physical outlet..like basketball..taking things out on the court. I need someone to listen, to reciprocate. even through all the busyness of everyones lives, and I used to talk to Jeff, but yeah I think I’ve made the right decision that that might not be the best idea, so since I’ve been slowly what do you call it..kind of distancing myself from him, I’ve eliminated one of my usual “go to” outlets of people to talk to that would always be down to talk or listen even if their own lives were overflowing with school work or other things of life, and he would likewise share what’s been going on in his life etc so I wouldn’t feel as bad “burdening” him with all my ish because it’d almost be like a swap..we’d both help carry each others loads. anyway, decisions had to be made. so the searching continues.
semi tangent again. ha. merrr!
But yes, my first commitment was to basketball so I feel like it would be wrong to back out, and be committed to the small group. I feel like totally ditching bball would be selfish of me, even though I feel like I need some type of small group i feel comfortable with etc..and here is my window of a chance, but yeah, too much “i feel this” “i feel that”
MErrr okay brain totally shutting down now. Maybe I will finish this…later…

btw. aacf was cool today. boy/girl questions/answers.

gardenaom — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 22:35:42 +0000

Friday, January 27:
Well, 30 hour famine started Thursday at 10PM.
Friday consisted of going on a morning hike with Erica, Brian, and Daisuke…why would I do that..I have no idea..but I survived so hurrah!

…doing homework and then going out to Wintersburg to meet up with Kristin. We got to talk and I got to hear about her cray exciting news. Super cray. Anyway, during the convo, Katherine and Amy came, so it was good to see those two girls! Then went to join AACF for the 30 hour famine event..pretty chill..it felt different this year..definitely weren’t as many people as all the years before..kinda felt strange. But yeah, it’s cool. I felt bad that I was fasting and I didn’t even like really pray about it before or anything..it was one of those things..that I was like..oh..aacf..event..I should probably fast too..but yeah..interesting experience. Then youth group ended so I slipped away from the event to go talk with Katherine. We got to have a pretty good caught up sesh..and it was funny to hear some of the things she was sharing with me because it sounded similar to things I’ve been going through lately. So that was pretty awesome. Eeek yeah, then she went home and then I rejoined the group during a game..etc. When all the “organized” stuff was over..played one game of Settlers with Dustin, Hashi, and Jackie. We finished around midnight..and there was 4 more hours until we were going to break the fast..kind of skimmed the room, and everyone looked like they were pretty into their own things so I just went to the sanctuary to sleep. Super weird..I feel like all the sleepovers I usually always stay up and am doing something, or doing things with people..but this year, I didn’t really see any opportunities for that, so I just tried to rest. I also thought it wouldn’t be a good idea to pull an all nighter (what we usually do) because I was already drained from first week of school and didn’t want it to roll over into week 2.
Saturday, January 28:
So tried to sleep on those skinny pews, and woke up around 4:30AM…walked into the social room and people were still up..crazies..got a granola bar..and chilled for a bit..and the people were sort of just sitting in a circle..but I don’t remember what was going on..so I just went back to the sanctuary to sleep. Then I don’t know..woke up around 8 or something..to some music..lalala..pretty chill event. Still feel weird about it..maybe..I don’t know what else made it weird..can’t think..mer..well I went home and then rested some more.

When I got home..I was obviously starving..so of course..I went straight for chips and dip..sigh..but I also had grapes?? Merr…parents were at church for something..but came back and brought me jamba and a spam. Delicious. Never tasted so good.
Around 3, went to GetShaved with Carmen and Andrea..Mari was working..and ran into Melody and her friend. Pretty cool. Delicious, as usual.
Later in the day, went to Erica’s house for her White Shirt and Jeans Cooking Party..with Carmen, Brian, Daisuke, Camille, and Larissa came later.
It was pretty fun, Erica already made the salad, Brian pre-made the pizza dough and sauce..we made meat ball from scratch..or more like Brian made it..and we like finished it..sorta..and other food stuff I can’t recall the names..some basil…cheese..thing…tomato..?? and yeah it was cool we all sort of just kinda got to help or do something…ended up being so much food..sigh..so full..and so sad we didn’t do the souffle..but was too stuffed to eat any more..
But yeah, the night was fun, full of laughter ..and food..and fun!
And I think it was a cool merge of college/high school friends. It seemed pretty chill, and not awkward so I was pretty stoked about that. I probably blogged about it before..but I like it when I share my home life with college friends, or share college life with high school friends..if that makes sense.

Wooo!

Sunday, January 29:
Woke up to Brian bailing on church, but he said it’s because his mom wanted to eat breakfast with him, but he said next week for sure. So hopefully that goes down! Next week is suppose to be a good message too, good for non believers/Christians that have fallen away, so maybe that is why God made it so Brian didn’t go today?? Ohh..?? Clever! Anyway, yeah the message today was about relationships..some special speaker came..it was interesting..but I was kind of tired..so I didn’t really catch all of the message..but yeah..the rest of today will consist of…homework…readings…and more resting.!

Taiwan in a nutshell

gardenaom — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 01:52:30 +0000

Of course I regret not blogging each day during the Taiwan trip..but at the end of each day I was just too burnt out and didn’t want to think.
So now..I’ll just try and write what I remember.
Left Jan 4, Thursday:
Got to Taiwan and took a taxi to grandparents house. Then after some lunch and other jazz we headed to our hotel that grandpa set up. The hotel was legit. One of the nicest/most expensive in the area. O_o
On Jan 7, I was able to meet up with Jen. Super cray, hanging out with a friend in Taiwan? Anyway, she took me to some places and yeah it was chill..and then I came home to find out I could have went to watch my cousin play basketball in his tournament if I didn’t go out with my friend. Of course if I knew earlier I wouldn’t have gone out. I felt really bad because my Aunt kept saying how excited my cousin was for us to come and to watch him play. He’s in 9th grade now..but yeah when we actually did see each other/interact he seemed “too cool”. But maybe that’s just how most Chinese boys are? Merp.

Jan 8, Sunday:
Uncle Mark’s wedding. Welcome to the family, Auntie Zoe. It was an interesting wedding that’s for sure. We went to church and the wedding followed like shortly after service ended..all my cousins had a part in the wedding so it was cool to see them all involved and stuff:
Nana, 3rd grade now, was the flower girl: Sean, 4th grade, was the ring bearer wearing a really nice suit with Nike shoes..(thought that was strange), and Ryan, 9th, was one of the candle lighters.
After the ceremony, we went to lunch with Uncle Peter’s family and then we went to a photo shoot place to take a bunch of family portraits with my mom’s side of the family. It was fun, haven’t been in an offical photo shoot in many years. But this one being in Taiwan, they made us do so many fobby poses..meh..anyway, not sure when we’ll see those pictures.
Then the dinner reception was at night. Way too much food, wallet size pictures were on tables for us to take..that was tight idea. Uh…some gift included delicious coffee roll cake, and then at one point these bags start to be lowered from the ceiling..and like one person from each table has to untie it.and then inside are like 10 LED flashlights with markings that say Mark and Zoe’s wedding..etc..pretty cool gift. The whole night met a bunch of relatives I didn’t know I had..my mom’s family is pretty big I guess..oh yeah and this black dress that was something my mom used to wear..is like super legit. i think i’ve worn it to like the past 32332 things where i had to dress somewhat nice. plain and simple.

Hola, Uncle Mark. One funny dude.

Cousin, Ryan. He seriously looks like a Taiwanese model whenever I see him standing or sitting..and all his fashiony clothes.

Uncle Mark & Auntie Zoe

The only other cousins I have! (Nana, Sean, Ryan)

gramps and grams.
The week following the wedding we hopped on a tour bus with my mom’s aunts and other people..total of 18 on our bus and we hotel hopped and went to hot springs, ate too much food at bomb buffets, got pampered like crazy..these hotels we went to were all probably the nicest hotels I will ever be able to experience.
Just some random photos from the different places we stayed at. Each hotel was only one night.

Hot springs probably have had to be one of the highlights. This one particular hotel..all these things..where you see water you can go into..and the water is relatively warm in the big open areas..then in the smaller areas the water is pretty hot because it flows from actual hot springs ..and one little area had a vanilla scent thing in the water..so when you get out..you smell very good! And this other tub has some herb stuff..it’s suppose to be healthy for you to soak in it..then the fish part..you stick your legs/feet in..and these fish like clean you..it’s super weird but cool..it tickles at first then you get used to it.

Water jets shoot out of the holes on these under water seat things!

Great Aunt and Great Uncle chilling in their own private tubs.

Some other stufff getting lazier..just throwing random photos in

alksdjflakdsj too many pictures…trying to post at least some more on fb. btu that is all for now.
oh wait. ran into ariel at the night market. SUPER CRAZY. one. because it’s the night market in Taiwan, super crazy crowded and big..hard to find people?? two. we happened to be there on the same day/time. first time i’ve been to the night market.

Of course..helped my cousin Sean make this part of his Harry Potter lego set. love legos. about to go buy some Star Wars ones soon…the BIG BOX!
so fun. anyway..oh yeah..only had milk tea once there before we left..and it tasted the same..uhh uhuhsdufhaskdfjslkdfj yeahh.
One of mom’s cousins added me on Facebook..and tagged me in super old photos..don’t even remember him taking them..creepy!

One of the great aunts, mom, and s.

Hm dad’s hand looks weird..
let’s see..what else to jot down..oh it was fun for the most part..good to spend time with family..especially since agon and ama are like old and stuff..it’s hard to see agon when he can’t walk too well and it’s really sad. and he got sick and seeing him weak is very sad. i don’t like seeing sad old sick people. TT_TT
but yeah don’t wanna go farther into that, too raw for now.
love my Taiwan family. Though being there is a totally different world. It was almost like being served whenever/wherever. Get whatever you want. Too weird. Some people have too much moneyyyyyy..strange feeling. jetlag yea. watched a couple movies on the plane. nice.